The Battle of the Suitors
by rhiawoods
Summary: The parts not seen in the series! Be prepared for insane insanity, ridiculous ridiculousness and general generalness. Or not. There is nothing general about this story. It's written by me and my insane sisters, so beware!
1. In which there is a very long dedication

The Battle of the Suitors: the Parts Not Seen in the Books

By: _Rhiaofthewoods,_Leahnna of the Storm,and **Alynna of the Fire**, the Insane Sisters

Note: The parts in _italics_ are Rhia's, the underlined parts are Leahnna's, and the **bold** **parts** are Alynna's. _Just so you know which ones to blame the really stupid parts on. (Leahnna, who is currently hitting me with a screwdriver)_

Dedicated to: _Rhia's very very ugly pot that is embellished with her real name, that none of you get to know, so her very cool alternate identity (because she is a super hero) will be protected._

And: Leahnna's invisible, 21 inch high pet pink hippo, an adorable, loving, beautiful pink hippo, named Hippo, that is not allowed to add his comments to this story, having been forbidden from the room in which we are writing it. (Rhia's room) (_very, very cool room)_ Voice in background: Dirty!

And: **Alynna's xenophobic wooden puzzle katydid that is hiding under the dictionary we found 'xenophobic' in, because it is xenophobic, which is scared of strangers, because you all are strangers, even stranger than we are, which is saying something. After all, you are the ones actually reading our brain child.**

Disclaimer: Leahnna, who has recently discovered that you can stab yourself very deeply and bleed a lot and die from lead poisoning with a yellow colored pencil says: Any characters that you recognize are not ours because we are not imaginative enough to actually come up with any of our own.

**And Alynna says: Fred said that George said that no one said that he was cute. Anything you recognize is taken and anything you don't is ours.**

_And Rhia says: This is Tamora Peirce, not Harry Potter, you dingbat!_

_And she adds, in her customary rant way: Disclaimers are sooo pointless! Any reader with two braincells, of which only half work, should be able to realize that this is a place to put FAN fiction! One cannot be a fan of something that one created! That would be egotistical, pretentious, pig-headed, big headed- _**Yeah we get the point. **Shut up Rhia. _Oh hush Leahnna. You know that required disclaimers are one of my MAJOR pet peeves._ Shut up Rhia._ Ok. One further note: Anyone wishing to keep hold of any sanity you have left _**Shush Rhia**_ should stop reading _Shut up Rhia_ immediately, because it will leave very shortly. _**I THINK THEY GOT THE POINT FIVE PARAGRAPHS AGO!**_ Well, I just didn't want them to expect to be sane at the end of our story. Because you know they won't. _Really Rhia, SHUT UP! _Fine. I get it. You just want us to get on with the story... _**No, duh. **DUH!

_One day Alanna was walking down the aisle. She was getting married to her true love, George. Well, he wasn't really her true love, but the fortune teller said he would be. And fortune tellers are never wrong, right? Anyway, she was walking down the aisle in a wedding dress..._

**"I'm coming, Alanna!" Jon swung in on a Tarzan vine wearing a Tarzan loincloth. **(Voice in the background: Ooooh! Nice abs!)**It doesn't matter that the only thing that looks remotely like a vine is the the very same rope of human hair Jack Sparrow used to escape from the island with the sea turtles.**

Leahnna (screaming at the top of her lungs) Jon, Jon, Jon of the palace! Watch out for that bride!(Jon (with right pinky toe curled delicately): Waaaaaa-aw!)

**He sweeps to Alanna, swings her off her feet, and over to a white horse who just happens to be there. The horse clip- clops away, talking about everything under the face of the sun. Alanna's last understood words were "Oh, man. Not AGAIN." She was in the process of expressing her disgust of being rescued, when the horse lost a shoe. Jon had to get off and try to replace it when...**

clink, clink, clink Out of the mist, a figure approached. As it neared, Jon and Alanna saw that it was Liam, wearing... A stop sign over his...front... and a caution sign over his butt. The two signs were connected by flowing pink ribbons with fake flowers attached to them. He wore a breastplate of a school crosswalk sign (you know, with the lady and a kid in a walking position). The helmet was a lion's mane with a miniature speed limit: 85 mph sign sticking out of it on a pole." Jon," Liam grunted, caveman-like. "You take my woman. You go bye-bye now." 

He did a spinning kick at Jon, then stopped in midair and said, "Sorry, senshi." (Disclaimer: special thanks to Butler from Artemis Fowl for giving us the basis for this line). Liam continued kicking. Jon flew away on angel wings (temporary. He's not dead yet. DARN!). Liam whistled. A carriage made of assorted info signs (mostly restroom signs) pulled by a trillion tame trick-ants. He buckled Alanna in with a belt plastered with D.A.R.E. lion stickers. Liam snapped the reigns of the ants. "Yah."

_Rhia: The circle of life! _Liam did a very dramatic dance while keeping his hands on the reigns and feet in one spot._ (This is Liam's theme song, but I don't know any more so just use your imagination) Da Da Da Da..._

Suddenly a bunch of giraffes and other animals paraded across the road. "Ever body LOOK right!" trampletrample "Ever body-" "Shoo! Bad animals!Wrong song!"

Liam pulled a small pink hippo from under the seat.(everyone remember Hippo? That is one of his little sisters. He discovered he had family the other day.) "For my Alanna!" Liam leanes in to kiss her and...

_Alanna leaned away making a cross with her fingers. "My bubble, invading, you are" George rode up on a lion. He yanked open the door and stabbed Liam in the back with one of hi many hidden knives._

**Alynna: I see your fief I see mine, of Liam, the underpants, I see.**

"Liam no wearing underpants" says the lion. (Aka Leahnna)

_But have no fear for the underwearless Liam, because Captain Holly Short_ _of the LEPrecon was on hand to heal him with her blue sparks. Wait a minute, Lion, (aka Leahnna), what the heck are you doing looking at Liam's underwearlessness? Anyway, George pulled Alanna behind him on the Lion (peeping tom lion) as Alanna said, "Seriously, guys. I do not need to be rescued!"_

_George replied, "O, yes you do. You only think you don't. I was rescuing you from the insanity of the traffic sign wearing, underwearless, bride stealing Liam!"_

"_Dude, Liam didn't steal me. Jon did"_

"_That scoundrel!" (think Road to Eldorado about the rocks)_

_Alanna actually got to stay with George, who was not her true love. They made camp, IN SEPARATE TENTS, YOU SICKO!. In case you were wondering, the tents were made from Alanna's petticoats. She was still wearingthe wedding dress that had human hair on it from Jon's rope, was torn from Liam's trafic signs, and was covered in Lion's (peeping tom lion) hair. She needed a new outfit._

When George was asleep, and Alanna still fretting about her dress, a familiar clinking was heard. "Alanna! Have come with new outfit. Not get unless come with Liam." He struck a pose and acted like he was a demented rock star.

_Rhia: The circle of life! Da Da Da..._

"Come now." Liam grabbed Alanna and uncerimoniously slung her over his shoulder. (Like Shrek after he rescued whats-her-face) They appraoched Liam's "carriage" and Alanna was dumped into it. "Dress in there. Liam no watch while change. Hippo named Hippoetta." A very small, angelic, non-wrinkly pink hippo sat on the road construction- sign bench, blinking her long mascaraed eyelashes. "Hi, Hippoetta." Alanna then screamed and ran around the camp. Liam chased after her with a noisy dress made out of "Welcome to yadda yadda signs sewn together with Jon's human-hair-from-Jack Sparrow's back-rope. Alanna tripped and fell onto a pile of Stauffer's Real Cheddar Whales sncks. She ended up tearing her dress in all the wrong places. "Argh! Fine! Liam, give me the stupid dress!" She went behind the pile to change. George poked his head out of his Alanna-petticoat tent. "Shut up, people!" and went back in.

_Then he realized what he had seen. The traitor, underwearless Liam! He had plans for such an occasion. Now the trick was remembering what they were... He looked around his tent in confusion and saw...Rhia's pot! Now he remembered! He picked up the pot, staggering under the immense weight, and chucked it at Liam, who was promptly rendered unconscience. The pot bounced back to George, who picked it up, said "Hm, indestuctible," and tossed it over his shoulder._

**"Oweee!" The pot landed on Jon's head, where he came from, we don't know. "I can't get it off. Ummmm... Oh, I know, I'll poke eyeholes in it!" (pokes it with a fork) "Ow! Could someone help me? I stabbed my eye!" (wooden eye and fork from Pirates)**_(How the heck did Jon manage to get a fork through the walls of that pot! The walls are about a half inch of solid fired clay! Jon must be a lot stronger than I give him credit for!)_

**"Katydid. Katydid. Katydid. "**

**"Katy did what?"**

**"Katydi- ahh, stangers!" This is the katydid, you know, the xenophobic one. She promptly runs away, after somehow healing Jon.**

_After Jon was mysteriously healed, George ran up yelling, "Your hand at the level of your eye!" Behind him was a cloaked, masked, kinda frealy looking figure in the mist._

"Mwahahahah!" (Phantom of the Operah theme song playing) "Mwahahahahahahah!" The cape swirled away and revealed Liam in all his road-sign glory. He now had leg protectors of ... reflectors... "Hey! You two aren't supposed to be here!" George's Lion appeared with Liam's ant-pulled carriage. Ten minutes later, Jon's clueless _(shoe-less)_ horse came. "Sorry I'm late. Had to get a new shoe" _(not shoe-less anymore!)_ Everyone glared at each other "Hnnn" (caveman grunt)

_We now must regetably leave our...heroes...at their showdown._

_Note: This is what happens when one combines 3 insane sisters, a blank ntebook, colored pencils and Animal Crackers! And don't forget the Phantom of the Operah stuck in heads._

I'm not dead yet.

_So?_

I died of lead poisoning in the disclaimer, but I'm still alive and healthy. Well, except for my cold. Hmmm...

_Anyway, we told you readers that you would probably not be sane at the end of this chapter, and if you still are, have no fear! There is more forthcoming! Hopefully. And if anyone has any ideas for us, please leave it in a review! We like challenges. If you want to see something in this story, we will put it in the next chapter we write._


	2. In which we meet Cheese

Chapter 2: In which we meet Cheese.

Dedicated to:_ Rhia's fish tank, sitting on her dresser, occupied by five fish._

**Alynna's pencils of power. Without them, we die from not-able-to-write-itis, a very dreadful disease, in which you can't write for lack of writing tools.**

Leahnna dedicates this chapter to all that is sane, because sane people don't tickle one's feet while one is writing dedications just because one's reflexes cause them to jerk convulsively when tickled. 

Disclaimer: I will not let Rhia write this one. All I will say is that anything you recognize- songs, characters, road signs- are not our creation. Duh. _Road signs? Whatever. They belong to the government. _Duh... _That was much shorter than our last one. _Good! No more!_ Okay, okay... _

_The glare down continues..._

_Liam, still underwear-less, was grunting in a caveman fashion. George had very shifty eyes, trying to look at both Jon and Liam. Jon was still in his Tarzan outfit. Alanna was nervously watching Liam's carriage pulling ants, while scratching absentmindedly at the hair holding her Welcome to... sign dress together. _

A curse and a giggle were heard. Miles stumbled into their circle, obviously drunk. He wore a lampshade on his head (even though they weren't invented yet). "Hwahwa! Hi Alanna. Nice dress." He shakily took a drink of brandy. Alanna threw Rhia's pot at him, efficiently knocking him out.

"Nice dress... Hah! grumblegrumblegrumble..." _Alanna grumbled. Our "heroes" were unperturbed by the ruckus and "clang" of the ugly, indestructible pot hitting Myles' head. They continued their staring match until..._

"_Jon is a pink headed monkey with a broken tail." George taunted._

"**What! How dare you?" Jon paused to think. "You are a big nosed, love stealing thief."**

"_That's redundant. Stealing usually implies 'thief.'" George started sulking. "You didn't have to call me both. It hurt my feelers."_

After careful examination of George's head, Liam decided that "George no have feelers."

"My mother always said I did. Waaahhh!" George cried.

Because of all the excitement, Liam's ants began doing flips and creating live ant pyramids. _These activities rather alarmed Alanna, as she was watching these formerly sedentary creatures perform their gymnastics. "Bring the giant cans of Raid! Quick, before they attack!" _

_Alanna's words broke Liam's attentions from the growing argument. "Woman no make ants dead with Raid or Liam get mad at woman." Alanna's infuriated screech of "DON'T YOU DARE CALL ME 'WOMAN'!" excited the bugs into a stampede, each one trying to go in a different direction. The result was that none went anywhere. Each ant made it to the end of its individual tether and proceeded to tangle the reigns horribly. Liam, noticing this, and noticing that there was no way to untangle the reigns, began hopping up and down in a raging fury and screaming at the top of his lungs. "YOU stampede my pulling ants! LIAM HATE YOU NOW!" Liam continued his stomping dance and started pulling out his hair. Unnoticed by him, he was slowly moving toward the center of the confused mass of ants, stopping and jumping on each one, until there were none left alive, only a bloody pile of ant pulp. Liam jumped his way on to the driver's seat of the carriage. He snapped the reigns, trying to order the bloody mass to go. Unfortunately, he then noticed the untimely demise of his beloved carriage pulling ants. Upon discovering this tragedy, Liam lost what was left of his mind and ran screaming off into the mist. _

_George and Jon continued their argument. _

"_Are too!" yelled George._

"_Are not!" screamed Jon, adding a little jump up and down of his own._

"_Are too!" This rather childish argument stemmed from George's comment that Jon's mother was a hamster and his father smelt of elderberries. Jon's adamant refusal of this fact, er... opinion... or whatever it was... began this rather pointless exchange._

"_Are not!" We rejoin our heroes' discussion after the explanation of what happened while the tragedy of the ants was happening._

"_Are too!" George is stubborn as a mule._

"_Are not!" Jon is, too._

"_Are not!" Here is George's attempt at confusing Jon into admitting what he sees as the truth about Jon's parentage._

"_Are too!" Apparently, Jon is like a stupid fish, always taking the bait._

"_Hah! You admitted the truth!" George yelled triumphantly. "Ha-ha, ha-ha, hahaha!"_

"_You don't have to rub it in. Grumble mumble grumble." Jon turned his back to George and started sulking. _

"_Sorry, what was that? Didn't quite catch it." George was still gloating over his victory of truth._

"_I said, go take a long walk off a short pier and put us all out of our misery!" Jon repeated, in an overloud voice. _

"_You don't have to shout!" George's gloating jaunt was ended with those cruel, well chosen words. Jon, of course, didn't know how very appropriate his words were. He didn't know of George's deep-seated fear of water. _

_Jon used his Gift to create a large, sparkling, clear lake _(the kind you see in Barbie movies.) _in the middle of the campsite, effectively covering the squashed ant mess. He looked at his work for a few long moments. "Hmm... Something's not right..." In his contemplation of the lake, Jon failed to notice George running for cover in the farthest tree. "Oh! I know! I forgot the pier!" He quickly added a hastily put together pier. I will be shocked if it doesn't fall apart before Jon gets George to walk down it. Finally Jon realized that his prey was missing. "Oh, Georgie boy, where are you?" he called out. For some reason unknown to Jon, George failed to answer. He was still cowering at the top of his protective tree. Unfortunately for George, he was unable to keep his teeth from chattering in fear. Jon was able to track down the source of the noise and so found his prey._

The top of a snorkel appeared, then Liam's head. He seemed to be in the nude. "Poor George. Scared of heights."

George yelled "You clueless dork! It's the water I'm scared of!"

George's lion sat on the pier and started yelling, as did Jon's horse:

"Jon is a git!

George is a wimp!

Liam's a clueless do-ooo-ork!

They all smell fluffy

They all look huffy

How bout we go take a ba-aaa-ath!

La-lala-la-laaaaa!

_George is hydrophobic!_

_Liam's ...uh,... tree-o-phobic!_

_And Jon is scared of e-ver-y-thing!_

_They all are scardy!_

_Just like the kitty!_

_How bout we all La-a-augh!_

Alanna grimaced. "I agree with all that, but the second verse sounded funny." 

Liam, George and Jon were huddled as close as they could with George still in the tree. 

Alanna:...?...

George leapt from tree top to tree top until he was near the dock-pier. Liam disappeared and the top of his snorkel drifted to the pier. Jon strolled casually in the same direction. The horse and the lion quit laughing hysterically and looked around. "Ummmm" went the horse. The Lion blinked. Suddenly, The Guys let out their war cries...

Liam: Rooooaaaary roary ROOOAAAR!

George: Screeeech! (nails on chalkboard)

Jon: Waaaah-aha-aha-ahaaaaa! (Tarzan)

And leapt on the lion and horse. There was a cloud of dust and random limbs/tails sticking out. Words were appearing over them with ! and other exclamation displays.

Jon: You meanie! Don't say mean things!

George: #!ers! Meanies! Rude name callers! #!--#!

Liam: Wheee! Getting tossed around in a could of dust is fun!

George's Lion:** grrrrrrr...meanie OWIE!**

Jon's horse:** Hope yall peeps hurt come- ouch! Hey, who did that? I'll get you!**

"**Uhhh, right. Ummm anyway, I'll just walk into town and buy a new outfit."**_ Alanna walked off, leaving behind Jon's slightly hysterical screams of "Georgie is a potty mouth! Georgie is a potty mouth!"_

_Alanna shook her head to remove the echoes of the furious fight and continued on her way into town. Except she saw a bush covered in blue flowers with red thorns. "Blue flowers with red thorns! These are perfect! The perfect pain killer for ogres with arrows from Merry Men in their butts!" She quickly stowed a few in her mysteriously appearing pockets. Then she apparently came to her senses. "Why would I want a painkiller in that situation? The pain would make the ogre weaker and easier to kill." She quickly got rid of the unneeded flowers and continued on her way. _

**At the edge of the forest, Alanna hesitated. She definitely did NOT want to be seen in her road sign dress. Deciding it would be less humiliating than nakedness, she continued on. Anyway, she could just say it was a new type of armor. Emc2**

"**Mademoiselle, I perceive you are in an uncomfertable situation." A French looking guy with a French accent stepped out of a clothing stall. **(Voice in the background: _Congratulations, you just made the understatement of the century._)

"**Um, well, yes, actually. Would you possibly happen to have something I could wear?" **

"**The name's Jack... PEPPER Jack... Pepperjack _Cheeeeese."_ **

"**Right. Back to the clothing issue..."**

**Ten minutes later...**

**Alanna arrived back at the lakeside campsite wearing a gyspy costume. Not exactly what she wanted, but close enough. **

"_Uh, dudes, aren't you three... I mean, five... getting tired yet?" Alanna asked the three...five... involved in the tussle. As if her words broke a spell, the three...five... collapsed exhausted in a heap. _

But there was something wrong. There were only four in the heap. After a while of trying to figure out who was missing, Alanna observed this spectacle: "Waaheeeeeeeeaaahweeeaaah!" FLUMP! Liam landed spread eagled on his stomach on top of everyone else. 

Lion: Ooh!

Jon: Ooof.

George: Ouch! #!--&er!

Horse: Owwee! OweeoweeoweeoweeoweeoweeOWEE!

Alanna: Oh! THAT'S who was missing!

Alanna left Liam and the others in a crumpled heap. She traveld back to Olau before anyone noticed her absence.

_Note: We like reviews! Really, we do. I challenge all readers to a great game! It's called, stump the authors! Give us any random references, and our job is to put it in the next chapter! (Please, nothing scandalous or slanderous. Use your judgement.)_


	3. In which Myles swims in Cinderella dress

Chapter 3: In which Myles swims in a Cinderella dress

Disclaimer: _We own nothing! Except the insanity. And the stupidity. But we still have to share those between three people. And we can't own the plot. Because there isn't one to speak of. _

Dedications: Leahnna dedicates it to: The smallest orange striped fish in Rhia's aquarium, who is very cute, and I say he/she shall be named after the baby jelly fish Dory found, Squishy. The little orange striped fish is now SQUISHY! Yay! Let's do the chacha! Chachachachacha CHA!... _Leahnna, I don't name my fish for a reason! Because named fish have an awful habit of dying on me, and I don't want my fish to croak on me, because then I have to go buy new ones! _So you only don't want me to call Squishy Squishy because of MONEY? And I got a lovely Wal-mart goldfish at a Halloween carnival which I named PUMPKIN and he got about three inches long and about one tall and he was healthy and sweet until I had to give him away because we were moving! I loved Pumpkin. Maybe your named fish die because there is no LOVE behind the name. _Exactly, so I don't name the stupid things. I have them because they are fun to watch. _Siiiigh Anyway... And to pretzels; cause they are yummy, crunchy, salty, and a good writing companion. 

And to: Rhia's stuffed plush bear with the striped scarf from a guy Alynna and I are convinced she's in love with. _Which I'm not._

_At Olau:_

_Alanna was asleep in her big fluffy pink bed. She was dreaming. In her dream, a knight in shining armor approached on a beautiful white horse. Alanna was running to him across a field of white flowers. She failed to notice the design on the shield. It was a traffic light. When Alanna neared the knight, he swung her up on the horse and flipped his visor up. "Woman on horse! Woman must love Liam." Needless to say, the "knight" was Liam. Alanna gave a blood curdling scream. Liam turned into George, and said, "Now, now, love, is that really necessary?"_

"_Yes, it is! You, you... people keep interrupting my life, and now you're interrupting my sleep! I demand you leave at once!" _

_The "knight" turned into Jon, who said, "As you wish," and disappeared, horse and all. Alanna fell with a curse to the ground... _

_And opened her eyes in her dark room. She was sitting upright in her bed, covered in a cold sweat. "Those. Horrible. Men. Keep. Interrupting. My. LIFE!" A clank drew her attention across the room. A figure in armor stood there. A stoplight graced his shield. The stoplight was flashing green, yellow and red. "NOT YOU AGAIN!" _

"_Woman come with Liam. Liam have horse outside window." _

"_Myles will go swimming in a ball gown before I will go with YOU!" All eyes were drawn out the window, to the lake in Olau. A figure stood on a rock in the moonlight. It was a short, stout, drunk figure, wearing a beautiful gown. "Cannonball!" it shouted in Myles' voice. A large splash echoed across to the pair in the bedroom. _

"_Well, woman has to come with Liam now."_

"**AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!" screamed Alanna as Liam swung her out the window onto the waiting white horse. A mysterious figure jumped off the roof onto the horse behind Alanna. The horse ran off galloping. She turned to see who was behind her and screamed again. It was George. "Now, dear, is that really necessary?" **

"**Yes! Of course it is! You people woke me up to kidnap me!" Alanna tried to jump off the horse, but her night dress got caught and she half fell out of the saddle, straight into Jon's arms. **She burst into hoarse sobs. "Waaaaaaaaah! Boohoo!"

_The limit as x approaches zero from the positive side of f of x equals infinity. The limitas x approaches zero from the negative side of f of x equals negative infinity._

Jon wiped her tears and rushed into the ruins of the Old One's city. "Don't cry, Alanna," he said childishly, and began to pout. 

Alanna sat on a magically appearing bench and sobbed. Her clothing had been reduced to shreds during the morning's activities. George's mother popped into existence on a pair of fairy wings. "Bibbety bobbity BOO!" A handy pumpkin turned into the road sign dress. "Oh, that's not supposed to happen!" Eleni moaned. The dress popped onto Alanna. A nearby rock traded places with Jon's horse, who began talking nonstop. "Why am I here? Where is here? What's with all the rocks? Hi Alanna! Want a ride? Did you know I'm really a mini donkey? Wow! I did!" Alanna jumped onto the horse. "Scoot, horse-donkey-thing!" It broke into a trot. 

Unnoticed by her, George did a twirling leap off a wall and landed softly on his toes on the horse's rump. "Ouch! These horseflies sure bite hard!" The horse complained.

_George was outraged. "How DARE you call me a horse fly!"_

_Alanna screamed at George's yell. Her poor nerves were so worn from the last several days that this was the last straw. She fainted dead away. The horse started singing. "D! I won't do drugs! A! I will... uh... Something! R! I will respect myself! E! I will educate me now...!"_

"_That song..." twitch, twitch George had spent all of fifth grade under the tyrannical rule of a DARE officer. It now drove him into fits whenever he heard the song. "The only thing worse than THAT SONG is the gasp whisper the Barney song!"_

"_The Barney song?" the horse gasped in delight. "That's one of my absolute favorites!" As if to prove this statement, the horse started singing the dreaded tune. "I love you, you love me...!"_

"_More like I'm GOING TO KILL YOU!" George drew a dagger and threw it with all his might into the horse's neck. The horse continued to gargle the song. His last words were "Won't you say you love me..." Poor horsie never got to finish his favorite song._

Suddenly, Jon came hopping toward them, trying to put one of his boots on while still walking. He saw his horse, then screamed. "Whaaaaaaaa! You killed my hoooorse!" He then lost his mind like Liam and ran screaming into the mist. Daine then appeared and with fake trumpet noises rushed over to the horse and brought him back from the dead. George fainted and fell flat on his face, Liam was standing behind him in his original clothing. "Heeheehee! Alanna mine!" 

"You DO know my name!"

"Alanna not your name. Alanna is horse. You called 'woman.' Come now, woman."

"_AAARRRGGGHHH!" Alanna screamed, trying to avoid Liam's grasp. Her screams reminded Jon of ...something. He just couldn't remember what. He began wandering toward the clearing where Alanna and Liam were running in circles. He still couldn't remember what he had remembered. "Oh well, what the bananas. This looks like FUN!" He began running in circles so Alanna was chasing him. He then fell flat on his face. Alanna ran over his back, leaving footprints up his spine. Liam was not so lucky. He fell over Jon._

"_Ooo! Dog pile!" Jon's recently revived horse joined the melee. "Or would that be horse pile? Because I'm not a dog, I'm a horse. Old McDonald had a farm, e-i-e-i-o! And on that farm there was a horse... Ronald McDonald scares me. Oo, you know those chicken McNuggets? They're not really chicken. They're actually camel meat. If I were a camel, my name would be Habeeb. Or Ahaz. Or Mohammed. Did you know dromedary is another name for camel? The Three Kings didn't actually ride camels, they rode lions. Like my friend Lion! Who belongs to George. Oh, speak of the... er... deviled eggs!"_

"Like, ROAR! Like, no, like so TOTALLY Ro-ahr! The Lion returned. He also was now a valley-lion.

"L-I-O-N! Go LIONS!" George did a sort of cartwheely flip off the Lion's back. "G-E-O-R-G-E! Gee-orge that spells Geeorge! I bet you didn't know that!" A beam of sunshine came up over the mountains, illuminating George for the first time. He was wearing a twitchtwitch sparkly Barbie-pink cheer leading outfit. The skirt was pleated, and every other pleat was white. There were two block letters on his chest. They were an L and a G. The G was hooked onto the bottom of the L. The letters were lime green. _He held sparkly pink and lime green pompoms and was sporting a face full of overly done makeup. He had highlighted his hair blond and the bright, skimpy outfit showed off every one of George's masculine curves._

_The horse started talking again. Although, since he had never stopped, his voice only got louder. "Ew. George has no sense of style. Pink and green SO do NOT go together. That green reminds me of key lime pie. I want some. But limes are poisonous to horses. Do you think there's a reason that the French word for fish looks like poison? Oh, did you know I speak French? Un peu. Et tres mal. I know the word for fish! It's poisson. And the word for mustard is so funny! It's moutarde. The teacher called a kid moutarde once. Hehe, she called someone mustard! I don't like mustard. It's nasty. It would go just smashing with George's pink and green outfit. Oo, I wish I were British. They have the coolest words ever. I-"_

_Alanna interrupted. "If you don't shut up, I'm going to stab you with my sword Lightning!"_

"_Lightning? I love lightning. It's so cool! But I'm not so fond of thunder. Did you say sword? I love swords! I wish I could use one. _But since I'm a horse, and I have the coordination of broccoli, I can't. Speaking of broccoli, I want some. Broccoli is WAY cooler than fish. Not sure about key lime pie, though. Hey, Alanna, can I borrow your sword? I PROMISE I won't kill anyone. Do you know where Excalibur is? Maybe I'm the king of horse and donkey Camelot. Oh, and camel Camelot. There's a vague statue of a vague horse shape and depending on how you look at it, it can be either a horse or a donkey or a camel. There's a sword sticking out of it's head. The true king of horse, camel and donkey Camelot can pull the sword out of the head. I'm going to find the rock and-"

"WE GET IT! NOW SHUT UP! No, you CAN'T borrow Lightning!"

"Aw, why not?"

"Because I SAID so!"

"_Hey, lookie, it's Excaliber!" The horse picked up a random sword that just happened to be at the feet of the horse. "You know that statue I was telling you about? It looks something like this!" With a dull thunk, the horse drove the random sword into his head. Blood and brains spurted everywhere as the horse collapsed to the ground._

_Alanna picked up the sword. "Huh. It's collapse-able. But the horse is quite clearly dead. Odd."_

"**Hey, look!" Jon said. "He died. How?"**

"D-E-A-D! DEAD! Hoooorse is dead! YAY!" Guess who said that. Could it have been George? Ye-NO! It was Liam, who had joined the Barbie cheer leading team. EEK!_ They were wearing matching, curve-revealing outfits. Now we know why Leahnna said "EEK!" The spectacle was enough to make anybody who could see promptly loose whatever meal they last ate. Which, for Alanna, was three days ago._

"_I'm hungry." she announced._

"_Hungry! H-U-N-G-R-Y! Hungry! Alanna A-L-A-N-N-A is HUNGRY!"_

"_Hungry sounds like Hungary! You know, like the country. The people in Hungary are hungry all the time. Or are they? I don't know. Hey! Did you know I failed geography? It took hours to assuage the pique of my parents over that one. They wouldn't even let me go to the party. Even though-" _

"_SHUT THE BANANAS UP!" Alanna shouted._

"_Banana! B-A-N-A-N-A! They're YELLOW! Y-E-L-L-O-W! Yay!"_

_The noise drove Alanna to the brink of insanity. Then Jon re-entered. "To infinity and beyond!" He started "blinding" random people with his "laser." This drove Alanna over the brink of insanity. She lost control over her Gift and started radiating purple flames. With a final scream, she magically transported herself to the Roof of the World._

_Note: Please review! We like input, of all kinds! Well, of all kind kinds..._


	4. In which there is a mysterious change

Chapter Four: In which We Have a Mysterious Change of Scenery. Or two. Or three. And also in which the authors visit the characters.

Note: It's been a while, so just to remind you all… This story's supposed to have italics, bold and underline type so y'all can tell who wrote what, but for some reason it didn't copy, so too bad.

Thanks for reading so far in this insane adventure!

Disclaimer: (mysterious voice in the background) We have temporarily removed Rhia's voice box to prevent her from scaring the little viewers with her disclaimers. The duty of this will now be turned over to someone else. Someone without a grudge against the rules of the site. Like me! The names belong to the almighty Tamora Pierce!! Pretty much everything else is due to the insanity of the lovely authors!!

Dedications: (the mysterious voice continues)We have now given Rhia her voice back, so she can give her dedication.

Rhia: I dedicate this chapter to the secret underground group that is fighting the necessity of disclaimers at the beginning of every chapter!! This tyranny shall not go on forever!! I… er… I mean we shall prevail!! Perhaps I will stage a rebellion- by not disclaiming the next-"

(mysterious voice again) We have just removed Rhia's voice box again. As soon as she stops writhing in pain on the ground and promises to behave, it will be returned for the purposes of story telling.

Author's Note: The latter part of this chapter was written in an IM between myself (Rhia) and Leahnna over several days. Therefore, it's more random and disjointed than ever. Hope you don't mind!

POOF! Alanna landed hard on a platform of snow. She blinked spots from her eyes, then looked around. She screamed. Alanna was at the top of a mountain. With a cliff next to her that fell several miles. Everything was covered in snow, presumably several feet. There was a cold wind blowing. Already the cold was creeping into her bones.

"The Roof of the World. I'm at the Roof of the World." As far as the eye could see there were mountains. 10 miles high. The shortest. Totally freaked, Alanna lost her mind and started running down the cliff - somehow - screaming

"WWWWWWWWWWWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!" loud enough to start an avalanche. Which it did. Several of them. Running and jumping, Alanna landed on a convenient horse.

"Hey, Alanna! What's with the outfit?" The horse, of course, was Horse.

"What outfit? I'm not wearing anything wei-" she looked down "Oh." Alanna was wearing a traditional Scottish costume. A MALE Scottish outfit. Kilt and all.

Liam sat cautiously in a tree. Alanna, his prey, was riding down below, hunting. As Alanna separated from her party to chase a deer, Liam flew after her. Yes, flew. Liam grew wings. They were long, feathery, and glittery lime green. Suddenly, he dropped to the ground. Alanna nearly trotted him over.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

They both screamed, as demonstrated above. Liam recovered quickly, however, and jumped up on the horse. He was riding sitting on the horse's muzzle, which must have been very er... pleasant, for we are assuming that Liam is still underwearless.

"Hello, Woman." He grunted.

Alanna tried to remain calm. "Hello, Liam. How are you today?"

"Liam fine. We go to Liam palace now." He grabbed her and leapt into a tree. The horse continued trotting along below.

Liam's tree house was indeed fine. It was made of um... hold on a sec... what IS that material? pokes it Ah. It was made of underwear, all brand new, with a pair of red and green plaid boxer shorts here and there. Painted on this... er... thing... were several battle scenes depicting Liam battling Jon and George.

"You know, I thought we had sorted this thing out." Alanna stomped around the underwear house, stopping to examine an especially odd painting of Liam fighting with- not against- a rubber duck. "What good… Never mind. I don't want to know."

Liam answered her unfinished question anyway. "Duck magic. Duck bounce. I show."

He pulled the very same rubber duck- which happened to be larger than his head- out of his loincloth, recognizable by the bright green, sparkly wings that matched his own. He threw it on the floor, and sure enough, it bounced up and hit Alanna on the head, knocking her unconscious. "Oops. That not supposed to happen." He hit her again, harder.

"I'M GOING TO KILL YOU!!!" Alanna screamed at the top of her lungs.

His name is Bob. Boberita, to be exact. So Bob wears a sombrero with pink rose underneath. His shoes are corduroy and have bees on the laces. Bob likes to fart and he spelunks for a living. Boberita's hair is orange and greasy and his eyes sparkle with glints of shattered fiberglass in a sea of penguins and ducklings. Bob has a little shark, who is his best friend in the world. They like to eat toilets together. Bob's main personality trait is petting fluffy bunnies, which contrasts greatly with his shark's personal issues. His shark's name is Lemon. Lemon hates rubber duckies with a passion. So, one day, when he chances upon the underwearless Liam and his rubber duckie of doom, Lemon flies into a fit of rage. The poor, dimwitted Liam can't understand why this shark is trying to attack his beloved duckie. So, he throws pine needles at them. Boberita, unfortunately, is allergic to pine needles. So, he breaks out in a huge, swelling, puplish rash. And sneezes black snot at the duckie. Liam is outraged that someone would dare defile his duckie with black anything.

"WOMAN!" He yells at the top of his lungs.

Naturally, Alanna starts running away.

"Clean duckie now! He not like yucky Bob!!"

Well, this statement brought her right back. "'I will not!" Alanna screams, flecks of saliva throwing themselves from her furious lips. "I am no common slave! I am a knight, and so, am entitled to things far above cleaning rubber duckies!"

So Liam sulks in a corner of a tree and cleans the ducky with spit and his never-used loincloth. "Grumble, grumble, grumble. Liam not have spit left when done."

"Hey, what?" An echoing clip clop announces the return of our favorite character, the horse. "I like spit. And it's a dang good thing, too, because horses have a lot of it. It's green, sometimes. I like hay. Like this, see?"

"What about spit?" the Lion came riding on the horse.

"It cleans stuff!!" The horse then spit his lime green saliva on the poor duckie, though he mostly missed and hit Liam, dirtying his roadsign suit of armor.

"Bleh!" Liam jumps and smacks the horse! "Green not go well with armor!

"See, all clean! I should market this stuff. It's great! I'd be rich. And then I'd buy toothpaste. And then I wouldn't have the magical spit. Maybe I won't market it... but then I won't be rich. Hmmm... I hate decisions."

The ducky squeaked. Liam bounced it and knocked out the horse.

"Ah, doest mine ears hear the sweet strains of silence?" George made his reappearance in a slightly more poetic manner than the unfortunate horse.

"Er... yes." Alanna came out from the rather large bush she had been hiding in. "At least, I hope so."

"Oh, well you just ruined it. Thanks, 'lanna."

Welcome!" Alanna bounced away. "Wait, WHAT did you call me?"

"'lanna. It's short for Alanna

"Idiot. Don't speak to me again." With a dramatic flair to match his poeticness, Alanna slapped George across the face, turned on her heel, and left.

"Yeah, woman! W-O-M- uh, Liam not know what next

"A-N!" helped the lion, quickly pulling on his cheerleader outfit.

"Oh, right! Liam knew that

"Whatever." said Bob, with a swirl of his Zorolike cape. "I hate cheerleaders, and I swear that this beautiful lady will be my wife!"

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAaHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! NOT ANOTHER ONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" The 'beautiful lady' ran screaming from the tree house, but forgot to use the door. And the ladder. Instead she leapt from branch to branch, occasionally grabbing a vine, Tarzan-style. Splat! The forest esounded with the sploosh of intestines and the crack of bones. Alanna fell. Luckily, the vine swinging had attracted Tarzan Jon, who used his healing powers to save her.

"Yay, Jon! J-O-N!!!" The lion was not limited by the same lack of schooling as his underwearless friend.Maybe that was just because 'Jon' is much easier to spell than 'woman.'Fewer letters, and all that stuff.

"For once, Liam like Jon." came a voice.

So one day Alanna was walking along in the meadow picking wildflowers, when she suddenly looked up at the all-powerful narrators and glared. "I don't want to pick wildflowers."

"Too bad" booms the all-powerful Rhia. "You will pick wildflowers until you PICK A HUSBAND!!!" The thunderclap of destiny echoed behind her words. Alanna's fate was now to pick flowers into eternity, unless her peaceful picking was interrupted by one of her stalwart suitors.

Suddenly, all the regular suitors appeared. Plus Bob. And the horse and lion, to cheer on their favorites. Are we missing anyone?

"Jack. Pepper Jack. Pepper Jack Cheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeese." The wily storekeeper had returned.

"YOU MUST CHOOSE!!!!!!!" So boomed Rhia.

"No, I think I'll just pick wildflowers for the rest of my life," says Alanna.

"But I don't WANT her to choose!" says Leahnna. "Then the story would be ove! cry"

"Not really," Rhia patiently explains. "The guys just have to get her away from picking wildflowers and she will marry that one."

"poke you JUST said you didn't WANT to pick wildflowers."

"I changed my mind. It's better than the alternative." Alanna started smacking the invisible hand poking her. "Stop poking me!!"

"Alanna!" Bob fell to his knees in front of her with a swirl of his Zorro-cape. "Please, don't pick wildflowers forever! Marry me. I'm intelligent, caing, and sniff" (he pulled out a tissue to wipe his streaming eyes. "Rather sensitive. And, I have a shark! Doesn't that just fulfil your wildest daydreams?"

"Um. Not really. But the shark might be useful for hitting people with."

Suddenly, Leahnna came and sat in a large, fake red leather chair in front of Alanna. A large red couchy thing appeared in front of he. Of course, none of the characters can see Leahnna, so a clipboard with a pen was suspended in midair. "Alanna, you need psychiatic help."

"Ahhh!! Who's talking to me?!?" Alanna looked around frantically, trying to find the source of the mysterious voices. "And I do not need help. I think I shall be insulted now."

It is I, Leahnna. How does this color make you feel?" A sheet of blue pape with swirly teal designs appeared.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Not that again!!!!!!!!" Rhia starts running in circles around the field of wildflowers and accidentally ran into Liam. "Ouch! Why did we put him in roadsigns again? "

"Because, my darling, he looks athe fetching in oadsign atire. Now one of you, either Rhia or Alanna (both of you need help) answer my question."

"My dearest, you need more help with your spelling than I do with anything."

"Just because my R is stuck!"

Rhia glanced back at Liam, who was admiring the effect of a flower garland in his hair. "What makes you think he looks good ever?"

"Um. I don't know." Leahnna pats the couch in front of her. "Now, Alanna dear, sit on the couch and tell me how you feel."

"Sit where?!? I don't see anything!!!"

"You can see the couch. Otherwise, we would not have mentioned its color." Sight of the couch and everything but Leahnna was given to all the characters.

"Oh, that couch. But why would I want to sit next to an invisible person?" Alanna was still reluctant. A sad experience in the depths of despair with invisible people had put her off them forever.

"Because it would take too long to describe my whole glorious self to you so you could see me. Now sit, before the Horse does."

"OH! Me first me first!" The horse plopped himself down the second he knew the option was available.

"Um. OK. I love being a psychiatrist, so it works!"

Random end to chapter. I got tired of copy and paste. The psychiatist will be continued in the next one.

Note: I need a beta! If anyone is interested, please let me know!


	5. In which we need a psychiatrist

Chapter the Fifth: In which we need a psychiatrist. And George goes through an untimely transformation. Amd Jon wonders...

Disclaimer: It's not ours. Sorry to drown all your naive notions in one fell swoop of actual logic, but the characters (well, some of them) actually belong to Tamora Pierce... And any random references we have forgotten about don't belong to us, either.

Note: We seem to have lost the italics, etc. Oh, well, you don't really need to know who wrote what. Just know that we're all isane.

Dedications: Meh.

One day, Bob was walking along a high wire. This high wire was twenty feet above the field in which Alanna was picking flowers, trying to avoid her fate of actually picking a husband.

"Um, Alanna?" Bob called.

"Um, what?"

"Will you pick already? One of our insane invisible narrators has decided that I am to walk this highwire until I either learn to do backflips on it or you choose a husband."

"Have fun! I hope you don't break your back!" After her rash words, Alanna reconsidered "Actually, what do I care if you break your back? I might break it for you, if you don't leave me alone."

"But, my lady, I have mannerisms! That makes me infinitely better."

"Mannerisms like your penchant for petting fluffy bunnies? Or maybe like eating toilets with your pet shark?"

" No, like my tendency to be polite."

"So, Bob, you think that ordering me to pick a husband is polite?

"No. It wasn't an order. It was a request."

"Sounded like an order to me," Alanna grumbled, turning back to picking flowers before one of the insane invisible narrators decided that her pause during her conversation was actually choosing Boberita to be her husband.

Back at another corner of the field, Horse was detailing his poor, deprived childhood, while the unfortunate "psychiatrist" doodled on her notepad, pretending to pay attention.

"Whee!!!!!!" Liam had appaently decided to act more like a cheerleader, and started doing backflips on the grass. Unfotunately, he landed on Lemon after one of them.

Lemon reacted by trying to tear Liam's armor off. Unfortunately, the ropes of hair holding the signs together were stronger than Lemon's teeth. So he lost a couple teeth, which made him even madder at Liam.

"And then my mother left me when I was four, and my father decided I talked too much by eight and he left too. Then an old lady came and adopted me, but then she died, so as you can tell, my life is pretty miserable."

"Um, that's nice.' Leahnna replied.

"And then, after that old woman died... she smelled funny, did you know that? Before she died, I mean. And that's why I don't like cats. I had to eat a cat once. After the woman died. She didn't leave me any food. But there were billions of cats. And then,... actually I wasn't done talking about my dad. He had pink hair. It was funny. Or at least that's what all the other kids said. They made fun of me for having a dad with orange and green hair. Just like that weird dude over there trying to do back flips ... Sorry. I got distracted.

"Uh, lovely, Horse." So, moving on. How does this make you feel?" Leahnna held up a peice of lime green paper with yellow splotches and red stripes on it.

"That looks like my spit!!"

"Yes, but how does it make you FEEEEEEEEEL?!?!?!?!?!"

"Hungry? Because spit makes me hungry. And thirsty. Because hay makes me huuuungry."

"OK. How about this one?" A gold peice of paper with orange stripes and sunflower polka dots appeared.

"Errr... dunno."

"You are obviously very confused with your life. Unfortunately, I don't do therapy for confused people."

"What?!? I'm not confused! At least, I don't think so... Do you? But I'm not confused. Maybe I'm just bipolar.

"And, since I charge a buck a minute, you owe me $582,930. Plus any money I may need for ear doctor appointments."

"Or ADD. Or something cool like that. I can't just be con- I want icecream!"

"This office is now closed. Bye!"

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! TELL ME WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!! NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

"You're confused. I told you. Farewell."

"Fine. I guess I'll just have to find someone else. Alanna!!"

"What?" she snarled back.

"Guess what I had for dinner last night?! Beetles! Not the metal kind. The good kind. But they gave me funny breath. Beetle breath! You wanna smell?!"

"Uh, no." Alanna quickly ran in the opposite direction. She tipped on a conveniently placed rosebush and landed on the psychiatrist's couch. Seatbelts with unundoable buckles appeared around Alanna. "HAHAHAAAA!!!!! Now you cannot escape!" Leahnna showed her a watercolor painting of a rock garden. "How does this make you feel?"

"Like throwing a rock at you for putting me through this torture. I mean, seriously, what kind of a creep makes you pick flowers until you choose one of three completely disgusting guys?"

"Rhia."

"You called?" Visible to Liahnna's eyes only, a stunningly gorgeous woman with brilliant green eyes and amazing red hair appeared in front of the couch.

"WAHAHAhahahjaHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!! YOU'RE FUNNY!!!!!!!!! Stunningly gorgeous my sneeze!

"Your sneeze? That's a new one."

"Its more creative than my foot."

"And more disgusting, though only slightly. But I digress. Why have you called me here, my dear sister?"

"Uh, I didn't call you. Alanna did."

"But you said my name."

"Well, she wanted to know who was so demeneted and cruel as to make someone pick wildflowers forever or choose from a bunch of repulsive guys, so..."

"Well, Alanna, why can't you chose? The three of us-" At Rhia's word, Alynna appeared as well, though not visible to Alanna. "The three of us would be delighted to choose one of these handsome young men."

Leahnna snorted. Er, I mean, she held up a peice of brilliantly red, shiny paper with pink swirls on it. "How does this make you feel ?"

"I want to know. Who gave you a license to practice psychiatry? And what possessed them to do so?" Rhia asked, in an overly polite tone.

"This guy I invented. Named Jack. Because I told him to. How does it make you feel?"

"It makes me feel ill, to think that my little sister is trying to figure out what's wrong with me, when several, much more messed up candidates are all over this field. Might I suggest using your little tactics on Liam?"

"OK! LIAM! Woman wants you!" Leahnna screamed as an incentive for Liam. Instantly, all (er...1...2...3...4!) four suitors came running. "Why does Alanna like the cave man better than me?" Jon demanded, elbowing Liam. "The lady is confused, she wants ME!" yelled Bob, whacking George with his hat. "No, obviously, her attentions are SUPPOSED to be guided towards me!" insisted George, kicking Jon.

Rhia looked on in amazement. "Could I ask you guys a question? Why in the world are you all in love with Alanna? I mean, Bob, Pepperjack Cheese, you two don't even know her."

"No." quoth Jon

"Sure" said Bob.

"noooooo!!!!" said Liam.

"Because Woman is beautiful," said Liam.

"And that's it?"

"I feel the need to rescue Damsels fom evil suitors, and I just happened to fall in love with her" said Bob.

"I have loved her since we were but 11!" said Jon.

"'Lanna's sexah!" said George.

"Since she was but 11, Jon? You, after all, are about six years her senior. And you didn't know she was actually a girl until... uh... did that even matter?"

"Maybe!" squeaked Jon, turning suddenly pink and looking as if he would like a change of subject.

"Uh-huh. Well, all of you seem to be perfectly nice, though completely shallow."

At this point, Alanna realized something, as Liam screamed, "I not shallow!"

"Um, invisible narrator Leahnna? Since you distracted me from picking flowers, does that mean I have to marry you?"

NO!!!!!" Screamed Leahnna. "Most definitely not."

"Good, because you're about last on my list. Right above Horse."

Leahnna failed to make any recognizable sound.

"What? Does that mean what I think it does?" George looked completely dumbfounded. "You've actually put these idiots above someone? And I'm assuming I'm at the top of the list, of course."

All the narrators slapped George at once.

"Hey, I meant the other guys!"

Suddenly, he turned into an orange octopus with pinkish spots. He squeaked vaguely like a mouse.

"Not you invisible, though I'm sure completely lovely ladies!"

At least, that's what he meant to say. After his rather untimely transformation, all that came out was, "Sqeak, sqeak, sqeaker, sqeaken!"

"Well, Alanna, that's one less choice you have. I hope we've helped you."

"But, but, I liked George the best! He was the least annoying. And at least he spoke English! Or, um, common."

"Liam speak En-- Common."

"Uh, not really. Apparently you missed a few vital grammar lessons." Alanna tried to stand, to go pick some more flowers, but she found herself stuck to the red couch.

"You will do as I command!" Flames shot out of Leahnna's eyes, but the effect was pathetic without the people being able to see her eyes. A few tiny flames hovered in the air.

"Um. Okay. What have you commanded? I forgot." Alanna resigned herself to sit on the couch for a long time. In the background, Rhia's voice said, "Leahnna, dear, you're flaming again. You'll scare the simple minded men like Liam."

"I know. It was supposed to scare them."

Liam, however, was completely enthralled with the flames. "Ooo... pretty..."

Alynna smacked him.

Woohoo! Another chapter! Please review!

To remind any who have forgotten, the challenge remains. Give us any random references or situations you might find funny, and we will work it into this bit of insanity. If you manage to stump us, you win!! Unfortunately, there aren't any prizes... (There are certain things I refuse to put in, like racial slurs, anything that would get me nasty reviews, and stuff like that. Basically, use your judgement as this is rated K. I think.)


	6. In Which Rhia attacks Leahnna

Chapter the Sixth: In which Rhia stabs Leahnna for making fun of "Chapter the Sixth."

Disclaimer: _Ice-cream… Ice-cream… Chocolate ice-cream… Yuck. I don't like chocolate ice-cream. And Alynna is yelling at me that this isn't a disclaimer. Meh. Don't care. I say it is. So it is. Because I said so. And every one knows that I am supreme. And I am all powerful. And all that good stuff. So if I say this is a disclaimer, it is. Even if I don't mention anything disclaimer-like. And I am feeling very claustrophobic right now. And I don't like chocolate ice-cream. Why'd they have to eat all the good kind? Ah. Apparently they were hiding the evidence. Whatever that means. They're saying that I know perfectly well what that means. Whatever that means. _

REAL disclaimer: These are only sort of our ideas. Only ourselves, Bob, Lemon, Pepper Jack Cheese, and such are ours. Also, some of the ideas in this here chapter were given to us by our readers. If you are curious as to which ones these are, read the reviews. That is where they give us spiffy ideas for Battle (spiffy is my new favorite word). And we can thank Tamora Pierce for the characters of Liam, Alanna, George, Jon, etc. Yeah. There's the wonderful disclaimer.

Dedications: Leahnna dedicates this to Rhia's spiffy sort of new laptop that she got at college and brought home with her. I say, this is the first time we have all got to sit and type directly onto the computer. _Not so sure about that. Y'all keep hitting the wrong buttons and erasing stuff. And you might give my computer a virus or something. I don't know how. _ AND the keyboard on Rhia's spiffy new laptop sounds WAY cooler than an ordinary keyboard. Ok. That's about it. WAIT!!!!!! Rhia's spiffy new laptop needs a name!!!!! It shall be named Spoon, because Alynna just went "OK, I just forgot how to hold a spoon" while eating chocolate ice cream, and so therefore I got inspiration. Toodle-oo!

_Note: We have italics and stuff again!! Oh, happy day!! Just to remind you, this is Rhia. _This is Leahnna. **And this is Alynna.**_ Yay! _

**And now, to get back to the story……..**

**Alynna smacked Liam. **

**We took a walk down to where Jack had set up shop. It wasn't very far, only a few yards. We were there, mistrusting each other, when someone said Liam's name. I don't know how you say it, but we say Lie-um. **

"**Gaa-aaah! What is this monstrosity of a mispronunciation?" Pepper Jack Cheese shrieked. "The name is Lee-am! Not" – gasp, shudder – "Lie-um! The culture of the people will not be insulted like this!"**

"**Um, dude, **_**what**_** culture of **_**what**_** people?"**

"The absolutely fabulous culture of the mysterious land of which Pepper Jack and myself come from." Said Liam, looking heroic. Ish. He was actually wearing a sort of normal outfit. I say 'sort of' because it was all a violent shade of bright yellow. In a nicer color his breeches and matching embroidered tunic would have been quite lovely.

"YES!!!! That culture!" agreed Pepper. "I do have a question, though."

"WHAT?!?!?!?!?!?!?!" demanded Jon, who was crabby because he was supposed to be Alanna's favorite, but he had just realized he wasn't anymore. 

"Oh, crabby!" mocked Pepper. "I was wondering why I have to ride around with you people who have"—sniff!—"No taste at all in high fashion! Except Liam, of course.

Leahnna, who had magicked herself a splendid pink unicorn, looked up from her copy of Vogue. Not that they could see this movement, of course. "Really? Because Liam is about the farthest from ANYTHING a high-fashionista person would be caught dead wearing."

"_Of course not!" Pepper was outraged. "They would wear it daily! While they were alive! Dead people wouldn't be caught dead in road-sign armor! That is strictly a uniform of LIVING people!"_

"**So, what culture,**_** exactly,**_** are you and Leeeeeeeeeeeeeee-am a part of?" asked Alynna.**

"**The Fren- I mean the Culture of People-With-Funny-Accents-And-Loverly-Moostashies. Also known as the not-French, since there is no France in the non-Divine Realms."**

"_Actually, I have this theory, that Common is actually based on French and Tortall is actually based on France. So now I just might have to speak French from now on. Mwahahaha! __Alors__, qu'est-ce que vous pensez?" _

For no particular reason, Jon suddenly drew his sword. No, literally. He took a piece of paper and drew it. With a piece of charcoal. And then he tried to cut it out with his dagger. It sort of worked. The result was a bit ragged, but suitable. Jon then proceeded to stab George with it. George squeaked and waved his tentacles at Jon angrily. This made Jon start laughing hysterically and poke George's suckers. The paper sword was immediately latched onto said suckers. Liam also started laughing hysterically at the spectacle of an octopus riding on the rump of Horse and squeaking ferociously with a paper sword stuck to its tentacle.

_Rhia dashed to the rescue of her favorite suitor. "Dang it all to heck and back, Leahnna, why do you always have to do such rude things to George? He never did anything to you! Gosh!" She then waved her hand and transformed George back to his normal handsome appearance, as she has a bit of an issue with octopi. They're just so… slimy. George grabbed the paper sword and, glaring fiercely at Jon, stuffed it in his mouth and ate it._

"_Yummy. I like paper. Can I try it?" the Horse said. "I really like paper. My favorite is pink. Like monkeys. Who like bananas. I don't like bananas. Horses don't have much to do with monkeys. Monkeys have tails. And ears. I don't think I have a tails. Or ears. Do I? I think I need a mirror. But not like Sleeping Beauty's. Meow!"_

"I didn't make Jon do it. Jon did it himself! I just happened to be narrating the event, that's all! Ha!!!!!"

"_Right… Anyway… Where did Jack go?" Rhia had just noticed that our friendly neighborhood not-French guy had disappeared. "Oh, well." Rhia pulled out a sword- real this time- and started attacking Leahnna with it. For making fun of her chapter titles, of course. Why else would a lovely, patient, even-tempered goddess like herself do something like that?_

Leahnna pulled on the ticker tape with the never-ending commentary of herself and her sisters that spewed out of a hole in the space-time continuum. Clutching at the oh-so horrid and gaping wound she had received, Leahnna felt it necessary to snidely comment: "Having illusions in your head, my dear?"

**Okay. So Rhia and Leahnna had a huge, bloody, fierce interesting battle. Very interesting. Blood and guts and a purple bird flew around the scene. Though where the bird came from, I'm not sure. Then….**

_Plunk._

_Rhia looks up from the battle, distracted from her spell, which sent Leahnna fading into highly intelligent shades of blue that blended into the sky._

_Plonk. A fluffy sheep looked up from his cello, glaring sullenly up at the gathering of authoresses, highly intelligent shades of blue, Alanna and various suitors._

"_What is that sheep doing?" Rhia asked._

_Plunk._

"_How should I know? I don't speak sheep." Alanna rolled her eyes at this highly ridiculous suggestion._

"_Yeah, none of us do," Jon answered._

"_So how do we find out?" Rhia looked confused._

"_Call Daine?" the highly intelligent shades of blue suggested._

"_Oh, right. Daine!!" Rhia called._

"_Well, I'd never thought about it like that, Numair-" Daine appeared, daintily holding a teacup with her pinky stuck out. Her feet would have been crossed demurely under her chair, had there been a chair, but as it was, she realized she was not in a chair, and promptly fell over. "Uh, what happened?"_

"_We need you to tell us what this sheep is doing." Rhia explained. The sheep continued to pluck the strings of the cello that was much bigger than it was._

"_But, why?" Daine whined._

_Rhia blinked, confused. Nobody had ever talked to her like that. "Well, obviously, none of us speak sheep. And we don't know what it's doing."_

"_Well, duh, it's- he, sorry, Fredrick, is playing a cello."_

"_Well, duh, I could see that. But why isn't he using a bow?"_

"_Well, duh, he has hooves. He can't exactly hold a bow."_

"_Great. Now we know what the sheep is doing. Why is he doing it?" _

"_I don't know. Ask the sheep."_

_Rhia rolled her eyes. "None of us speak sheep! I already told you that! That's why we called you here!"_

"_Interrupting a fine tea, if I might add."_

"_Fine, I'll bring your tea here! I'm assuming you want Numair here as well?"_

"_Yes, that would be nice."_

"_Tea! Numair!" Rhia called, starting to lose patience with this uppity wild mage. Tea and Numair appeared. _

Numair had put on a marvy cloak and had his staff in hand. Obviously his heroic Daine-saving instincts had kicked in a little soon. He seemed to have been climbing over some rocks in a pouring rain, searching for Daine. "Daine!" he screamed, running up to her and hugging her fiercely. "Don't you ever do that again!" he sealed the demand with a passionate kiss, as Numair would. "I say, where are we?"

"I don't know, I'm so confused!" Daine said, crying a bit and running her hands through his sexily wet hair. "These people want to know what the sheep is doing."

"Er… playing a cello?" He replied, checking to make sure Daine wasn't injured.,

"That's what I told them, but they want to know why. Can I go back yet?" she asked Rhia, putting her head on Numair's chest.

"Yes, I suppose." Said Rhia, un-calling them.

**The tea, however, remained.**

"**OOOH! Tea! Can I drink it?" asked Alynna. **

"**No. we don't drink tea, silly, it does funny things to our authoressness," said Rhia. The intelligent shades of blue twinkled in agreement.**

**Suddenly there appeared on the horizon a bright pink spot. How we could tell it was bright pink, I'm not sure, since it was the size of a speck of dust ten feet away. The spot got bigger quite fast, so that by the time the lion had said, "As if anything more weird could happen to us" there stood before the group a beautiful girl (perfect blonde hair, bright blue eyes, cute little nose) in a dress that was dirt brown. The same color and style, it just so happens, that the City of the Gods Convent of the Mother had their initiates dress in.**

"**Oh, great," said Alanna. "This is going to be just sooo much fun."**

"Hello." The convent girl said. "The Goddess has sent me to see why there are so many strange occurrences and transportations with so much power in them are happening here."

Her voice was soft and beautiful, like the sound of a stream running down a mountain on a foggy day.

The highly intelligent shades of blue and Alynna, and Rhia all disappeared very, very quickly._ Nothing would keep us around that monstrosity of a Sue for long. It was an act of desperate self-preservation._

"Well, see, these bimbos over here suddenly started controlling our lives," Alanna replied, pointing toward a patch of air. "Er… I mean… cough" She pulled out the crystal ember thing and announced, "The Great Mother Goddess is my personal protector and patron, and what I do is completely between her and myself, not her and me and you. Goodbye!"

"Oh… that's very nice. I went into her convent as a little girl. What is it like being free like you?" A stunningly gorgeous and dreamy look came into the girl's eyes.

"Emc2." said the Horse.

"Excuse me?"

"I said, Emc2! The "bimbos" left a very cool book with a very estranged looking person on the front. I say, it is very shiny! And inside it talks about Emc2. I say, I really don't understand this book very much. There are lots of very big words and very, very long strings of numbers. I don't get it. Hey! Did you know horses can read? I didn't. Apparently we can, but most of us don't. That's because we horses, who are very highly intelligent beings, like to keep people confused. All of us can talk, but nobody ever does! I wonder why? Because our native language is easily misunderstood, but when we talk in Common its quite obvious what we're saying! For example, neigh whinny sigh neighyneighneigh grunt can means 'I am having a seizure' but neigh whinnyie sigh neighneighyneighy grunt means 'I think Bob is hot' so you can see why I like Common better. If I thought Bob was hot, THEORETICALLY, and I told my friend that, he could think I was having a seizure and stick a large spoon in my mouth! And then I…."

Liam, being himself, took advantage of the fact that every person in the area was staring dumbstruck at Horse to 'borrow' his 'Woman.' Since Leahnna's wonderful pink unicorn was still munching grass a few feet away, Liam quickly grabbed Alanna and rushed off to it. He leapt on its back and took the reigns, riding 'heroically' off into the sunset. "It's Emc SQUARED, you lame horse!!!!!!" was all Alanna could think to scream as she was kidnapped once more.

"I'M NOT LAME YOU LAME WOMAN!!!!!" the horse screamed back, and to prove it, he galloped quickly after the pink unicorn. George, noticing his love was being stolen away in the night (well, late afternoon, but whatever, right?), grabbed onto Horse's mane and swung up onto his back.

"_Wait for me!!" Jon cried. Noticing a great dearth of methods of transportation that would catch him up to the others, he flopped down on the ground and cried for real. With real tears and everything. A look of great sympathy and compassion came over the beautiful girl, who knelt down behind Jon and started rubbing his shoulders to comfort him. Sheer horror overcame Jon and he went unconscious, to avoid the clutches of the blonde girl massaging his shoulders._

_Liam led the pink unicorn in fast pursuit of an empty field so he could be alone with his love, with George and Horse close behind. Unfortunately, Liam had a horrendous sense of direction and couldn't tell that he was, in fact, riding in circles. Alanna didn't notice, either, as she was constantly berating Liam for a multitude of things- everything from his unfortunate habit of kidnapping her to his lack of proper Common. George didn't notice, either, as he was concentrating on keeping up with the pink unicorn. Horse noticed, but who really listens to him, anyway?_

_The terrible truth of the circles was realized when the pink unicorn came back to the clearing with the convent girl and the unconscious Jon for the fortieth time. Jon was unconscious, and the convent girl was doing whatever convent girls do. I wouldn't know. I've never been one. I'm not sure that I want to be one._

OBVIOUSLY, the convent girl was um… uh… Burning incense? NO!!!! She was exercising her Magical Gift from the gods. She was working on turning things into other things. The pink unicorn, who had just dropped dead of exhaustion, seemed like the perfect thing to turn into…. A WHALE!!!!!! Who does flips and things for people's entertainment! Yes, that was a perfect idea. Shamu the Sea World whale appeared in a cloud of sky blue-pink. Unfortunately, the pink unicorn was still there. Shamu seemed to have been in the middle of a performance in his native century and world, and so he was doing a rather coolio-osity back flip at the time. Sadly, he landed rather hard on some sharp pointy lobsters who instantly found a love for whale meat. They killed, skinned, and ate Shamu. Then sold his bones on Black-Market eBay for several million. SHAME ON THE POACHING LOBSTERS!!!!!!! Especially with such a NICE whale.

Further disclaimer: _The highly intelligent shades of blue (at least when they aren't taking the form of my sister) are from The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, by Douglas Adams, and Shamu belongs to Sea World. Sea World isn't ours, either. But I'm not sure who owns it. Thanks to a couple of our readers for giving the suggestions of the cello-playing sheep, the convent girl and Shamu the Whale. Adios!_

_Oh, and a heart-felt apology to Alynna for writing the latter part of this chapter without her. Heehee, she's babysitting a couple of monsters…_

MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAA!!!!!!! We do not condone any sort of not-nice-to-Shamu behavior, or any not-nice-to-any-whale behavior. I like whales. They're big and they sing. How much cooler can you get?

_Thanks, Leahnna. Adios for real this time!_


	7. In which there are fortunes

Chapitre Sept: In which there are fortunes.

Disclaimer: _I have noticed that nobody has reviewed the last chapter. That makes me very sad. And that's not good. So! I want lots and lots of reviews! That means you! And you, and you, and you, you, you, you… All of you!! Oh yeah, disclaimer. __Tamora__ Pierce's characters belong to her. Pretty much anything else is ours. __Obviously._Except for like, a lot of stuffers.

Dedications:

Leahnna dedicates this to Bally, her new large purple tie-dyed looking ball that she bought at Wal-Mart in a fit of spastic immaturity. And to Josh Groban. He's an awesome singer dude that we're listening to on Rhia's spiffy new laptop (see last chapter's dedications).

**Alynna dedicates this ****shapitair**** to the funky accent the guy in the play had. It was really cool and fun. And French. ****Kinda**

_Rhia dedicates this __chapitre__ to… uh… Sleep! __Because I don't get enough of it.__ I'm tired. I should go to bed. _

**"What day is your birthday, Alanna?" asked the convent girl. **

**"Why?"**

**"I will tell your fortune."**

**"Already had that done, ****girlie.**** That's what landed me here with you and THEM."**

**"Oh. Lo ****siento****. But I will tell your fortune anyway. It will be better."**

**"Whatever. May 30****th****."**

**"Cough, cough. Your fortune says you are colorful, unique, and a communicator. Action is your middle name. You will never have a boring life. Your mind is quick and quirky. Also… a direct whisper from the gods… you will spend a very long time being chased by at least three prospective suitors who will soon forget why they are chasing you and will just do it out of habit. They will make your life very interesting. Your color is burnt orange. If you wear it or meditate when surrounded by it, burnt orange will encourage loyalty, moderation, and relaxation."About halfway through the "three suitors" part, Alanna had started to gag, and at the part about burnt orange, she nearly puked.**

_"You do know that Roger's Gift was orange, don't you? And the part about the suitors is truly inspired." Alanna's voice was dripping with sarcasm._

_"Who's Roger?" The convent girl asked._

"This dudey pants who wanted to kill Alanna for some reason. I can't remember why. It was something about Roger being too insecure to handle somebody being more magical than him. Personally, I think it was all part of a plot to get purple orangutans to rule the planet, but nobody else thinks so. I wonder why. It seems like such a reasonable explanation." Horse explained. "I say, what a colorful square!" Horse galloped a few hundred feet. "OHEMGEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!! It's a colorful BOOK! With birthdays! Oh boy! Its sounds a lot like what Miss Convent chick was saying. Yay!!!! Another book! Horse galloped a few more feet. "And another!" There was a whole trail of books! Horse went from book to book, reading each in a matter of seconds, thanks to his brilliant horse speed-reading abilities. After a while he got to a giant dictionary. This took an entire 45.86 seconds to read. As Horse closed the back cover, suddenly it EXPLODED!!!!!!!!!!!!! It was all part of a genius plan to get horse to shut up, created, of course, by the brilliantaso Leahnna. Unfortunately, it didn't quite work. The explosives apparently weren't powerful enough. Horse went up in flames, but they quickly died down, leaving a very bald horse with a few charred cinders sticking to the sad remnants of his once long, luxurious mane. "I say, I'm nude!" Horse trotted off into a bush. He came out wearing a toga of olive leaves and a crown of laurel. "Look at my awesome outfit! I have no idea where the leaves came from, considering this is a blackberry bush, but I think its still rather--- Oh, I say! Blackberries!" His brain caught up with his mouth. Horse started eating the blackberries contentedly.

**"Finally!**** Does he ever shut up without food to distract him?" the convent girl asked.**

**"No****pe. El Caballo habla muy con frecuencia y nadie puede le silencia sin comida.****He is very verbose and has never heard of ****laconicness****. Therefore, he talks. ****Constantly.****Without really caring whether people listen or not.****It's quite annoying, actually. ****But entertaining."**

**"Oh. He never makes sense, does he?"**

**"Actually, he makes perfect sense. If you are able to decipher what he says at that speed."**

**"Right."**

**"Hey, convent girl?**** Do you have a name? We can't really call you Convent Girl for the rest of our lives."**

**"Actually, no.**** At least I don't remember it. We were called by numbers at the Convent. I was 735872349087."**

**"Oh. I'm glad I escaped while I could."**

_I guess that's the end. I don't think we quite finished this chapter. Meh. Oh well._


	8. In which the characters take a roadtrip!

Chapter 8: In which our kind and benevolent authoresses allow the characters to take a road trip.

Disclaimer: _The hippie__ van is ours!! __But not any of the original characters.__Obviously._

Dedications: _Dedicated to road trips, of course!!_

_Destination: The Australian Coral Reefs._

_Route: The __ocean_

_Method of Transportation: Hippie van, aka VW Bus._

_Driver: The underwear-less Liam. (Who made _that_ decision?!)_

_Place of Departure: Top secret. (__aka__, unknown.)__(In other words, lost.)_

_Current Location: See Place of Departure._

_Note: The first paragraph _must_ be read with a fake Italian accent. Trust me._

It was a dark and stormy night! Three suitors sat in a bus. One said to the other, "Jon, where are we?" (note the similarity to the three robbers sat in a cave story. For those of you who have heard it. If not, ask and we will tell you!)

Jon examined a map, with East pointing North, and came to a decision. "We are in… Ontario!"

Liam let go of the steering wheel and grabbed the map. "No! We in Syberia!"

The hippie van gently whacked into a fishing boat. Alanna began whacking her head against the window. "Look for something BLUE! See? The ocean is BLUE. There is BLUE on the map! We are not in BROWN!" She began sobbing softly.

_"__Syberia's__ white, anyway," George grumbled. "Honestly, are you all colorblind?"_

**Pepper Jack Cheese gave an infuriated yelp. "It's not S-Y-****beria****, anyway! It's S-I-****beria****! Will you ever say anything right?"**

_The rest of the van ignored Pepper Jack Cheese. They did that a lot._

Lion poked something on the dashboard. "What's this? Ack!" A glowing screen turned on, revealing a map of the ocean near Madagascar. "Hello, I am Sam-Sam, your friendly talking GPS unit! Please enter your destination!"

_"GPS?__ What's GPS? I've never met a GPS. I wonder what a GPS is. __Maybe Giant Perching Swans?__Or Green and Purple Snakes?__ What about Greatly Perforated Seating? Oh! I know! Gorgeous Perfect Stallions! Like myself!"_

_"Idiot animal!__ It's Global Positioning System!" Alanna pulled out her sword and made to stab Horse, until she remembered what had happened the last time she tried to._

**Enter Convent Girl. /****coughcough****/ And**** a stage. She began to sing "My ****Froggy****," with accompanying dance.**

**"My ****froggy****him**** are a queer bird!**

**Him****ain't**** got no tail almost hardly!**

**Him run and him**** jump,**

**When him jump him fall down,**

**Where he ****ain't**** got no tail almost hardly!**

**"I know how ugly I ****are**

**My face it ****ain't**** no star.**

**But I do not mind it,**

**For I am behind it.**

**The folks out in front get the jar,**

**Har****Har****!"**

**Exit Convent Girl. And stage.**

_Wide eyes and astonished blinking grace all faces._

_"Uh… o-__kay__…" Alanna was the first to actually close her mouth. The others had been trying, but her jaw muscles had bested all of them, even Liam's caveman/Shang muscles._

_"So.__ Where are we?" George was the second to come out of the general stupor._

_"Our position is currently 23.7 nautical miles off the eastern coast of Madagascar." The bright, mechanical voice of Sam-Sam filled the van._

_"Madagascar, eh?__ Where is that?" Pepper Jack Cheese asked._

_"Just off the eastern coast of Africa!" chirped Sam-Sam._

_"Where Africa?"__ Liam grunted._

_"In the Eastern Hemisphere!"_

_"Where eastern hemisphere?"_

_Sam-Sam was stumped for a minute. "On Earth," it finally replied, with less than its usual confidence._

_"Where earth?"_

_Sam-Sam was quiet for a minute. Then, suddenly, with a bright flickering flash, it imploded, and sent out a few sparks every so often._

_"Great, Liam, you broke it. Now we'll never get there." __Alanna sullenly crossed her arms and pouted, muttering things like, "Incompetent fools" and "Stupid boys" every other minute._

Horse put his hooves on the map. "No! We aren't lost! Here's Madagascar! And there's Australia! Follow that fin!" A shark was swimming in the direction of Australia.

"LEMON!" Bob opened the sun roof and jumped out, heroically ripping off his shirt and shoes while airborne. He landed next to Lemon and gave the shark a hug. "Yay!"

Alanna rushed over to the window to admire Bob. You see, Bob looks a lot like Michelangelo's David, only less stony and nude and all.

Suddenly jealous, Liam grabbed Lion and tossed him out. "Oh! Lion! I save you!" Liam ripped off his road sign armor (ah! And magically gained swim trunks) and did a wonderful swan dive into the ocean. Pepper Jack Cheese grabbed the steering wheel.

Lion, unhappy at being thrown into such WET water, gently chomped down on Liam's head. Horse decided to join the game and belly-flopped into the water. "Yay! I'll save you, Liam! My spit has miraculous healing properties!" He hawked a loogie on Liam's profusely bleeding neck.

"AIDS! AIDS!" Liam swam around in circles screaming.

"HORSES DON'T HAVE AIDS!" boomed the voice of Titan, or whoever rules the sea. "Now get back in your hippie van!" Liam, miraculously healed, Horse, Lion, and Bob crawled into the VW Bus and drove off into the sunrise.

_Alanna yawned._

_George yawned._

_Horse yawned and stretched._

_Jon stopped staring out the window and drooling aimlessly long enough to yawn and returned to his staring and drooling._

_Alanna yawned again._

_Convent Girl popped into existence, yawned, and popped back to wherever she came from._

_Lion yawned._

_Liam yawned._

_Horse yawned, showing ropes of green saliva._

_Pepper Jack Cheese yawned in a not-French accent._

_Alanna stopped mid-yawn and yelled, "You morons! Stop copying me!"_

**"Gasp! I did something without talking about it for half an hour first!" Horse nearly panicked. "In retribution for my horribleness, I shall eat this circle-y fruit!" He promptly bit the steering wheel, which was a lovely shade of orange.**

_And just as promptly spit the chunk out, due to the taste of thousands of sweaty hands that had gripped the "circle-y fruit" in their time. He coughed, gagged, choked, cleared his throat and demurely wiped a stray fleck of saliva from his lip._

They were bored. Everybody was. Leahnna decides to introduce a new element. _Rhia votes for Neal._Yay! Neal's smexy! Bwahaha!

When Neal appeared, he was oddly dressed in a Speedo and a large pink hat. He had a ribbon saying Sir Queenscove draped across his chest. "Gaspy! I'm going to be late to the Sir Tortall pageant! Boohoohoo!"

**"Oh, wow. Kid from my future, get a life. ****Now.**** If you don't have a life in 5 seconds, I'll slice you through." Alanna was appalled by his apparent girly-****ness****. Usually guys tried to hide that embarrassing little trait.**

_Kel__ popped in. "Not in the Yamani Islands!" She popped back out._

"Wow!" Horse was amazed. "It's Daffodil boy! And Australia!" He pointed a hoof out the window. Sure enough, there was the coast, and the gorgey coral reefs attached to it. They had arrived.

The End of Battle: Road Trip Edition.

_This was written during the last __leg__ of a twelve hour car drive. The abrupt ending is because that's when we drove into town. __Abruptly._

_Give us some suggestions and review please!!_


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